I Am Free From Fear
Reflections from living with my mother.
Before we headed off on our US tour, we had the joy of living with my parents for several months, while we got to grips with this parenting business! Food was prepared, clothes were washed, baby grows returned poo free, all without me lifting a finger. Whilst I was able to give full attention to the nutritional, toiletry and entertainment needs of our baby boy. Dreamy right. This was the life of Riley. I felt extremely blessed and well looked after. Four Seasons step aside, Chez Granny Gormley is the best B&B (and lunch and dinner) on the block. Thank you Mum.
However, then came the dawning reality that we were going to have to move out at some point in the not too distant future. And I was awash with fear. ‘How am I going to cook, shop, clean clothes on top of the seemingly full time job of just keeping Redemption fed, clean and not crying?’ All of a sudden life felt very overwhelming. And at the same time I felt ridiculous. ‘Everyone else manages. Not many people have the blessing of hands on help for more than a week, if that. What was I worrying about?’ I thought. ‘Maybe it is because we were also trying to run a business and I am not fully switching off from that? But then, one of the ladies on our team started her business 3 weeks after giving birth!!! (alarm bell; COMPARISON ALERT)’
We weren’t sure whether we would move out or not, as we had the option of either. But even though I sensed it may be good to go, as soon as I would think about it my mind would be flooded with fear again. ‘How will I cope? I can’t do it. I will be lonely. Wa wa wa.’
And this is when I had to take a step back and talk to myself. To choose my thoughts. All of the voices were ones of fear, lack and inadequacy. But when the Lord asks us to do something, He always provides. So if indeed He was prompting us to go, then the truth is that He would fully equip me for that. He always makes a way, where it seems like there is no way.
I AM FULLY EQUIPPED FOR EVERY GOOD WORK. IN MY WEAKNESS GOD IS STRONG. Abraham went out not knowing where he was going. If the Lord was asking us to go, then I didn’t need to know how it would all work ahead of time. I needed to go in faith and He would provide in the going. I AM FREE FROM FEAR. F.E.A.R as an acronym can stand for False Evidence Appearing Real. And fear about a thing can often be worse than the thing itself. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Maybe the victory here was in facing my fears. In realising that eating beans on toast for a couple of weeks wouldn’t be the end of the world and if the laundry pile became a mini Everest before I was able to do it, it really wouldn’t matter. Then the loneliness fear tried to overwhelm me. I have always felt strongly that the dramatic shift from being around people, working etc to becoming a mother and suddenly finding yourself at home alone all day isn’t right. Surely we are meant to be in community, where motherhood doesn’t mean isolation. Anyway, the living option we were looking at was in the middle of the countryside and in my mind came with a great deal of isolation. Uh oh. But again, if the Lord was asking us to go, then there was gold to be found in the thing I seemed to be dreading. I could trust that my Heavenly Father had the best for me and I didn’t need to be afraid. He does not trick or punish us. He knows our needs better than we do.
I dug deep and began declaring:.I AM HELD IN THE HANDS OF A BIG GOD. I AM NOT ALONE. I AM LED BY HOLY SPIRIT. I AM LEANING ON GOD. I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I AM PROVIDED FOR! And by doing so, I made peace with the idea of going. My decisions would not be ruled by fear. I wanted to know contentment and trust, whether I was in over my head or not. So we went to visit the countryside option and I prepared to go.
In the end we decided not to move, but to stay in London until we headed off ‘on tour’ to the USA. Classic!! But in the process I got another degree of freedom. Freedom from fear. By yielding to the challenge that held so much fear and remembering that I am a child of God and my portion is not to be ruled by fear, it lost its grip on me. Praise God.